Willing to do so?

What are the situation between I and them?
I have no idea actually...

Confusing...
As I am unlikely to be more closer with them
Was I too nervous? Or why I just feel uncomfortable?
I love them, atleast I feel that I care of them, I miss them, and I would like to hear their voice...
But why I refused for the next step? Such as a France's kiss?

One of him cannot commit with me now,
As he is still working hard and earning more.
One of him already in a commitment,
Impossible to give me any promise.

Sometimes I found that I am lost..
I doubt, why I still willing to get into this situation?
Why?

Who can be trusted?

Have coffee with the first him
Asked for marry and have a baby..
He said no money, and it's hard to survive for having a family now..
but why he said R.O.M in anytime last time?
Rubbish..Haha

Asked the second him..about the kiss..
He said because of alcohol and since he has alone more than 3 years..
He said I'm attractive to tempt him
Make him lost control and had the impulse...
He said he likes me..but maybe I'm not his cup of the tea..
What are the funniest thing i heard form him since i knew him.

The third guy, can't commit with me..
Yeah, i never request since i know he has commitment..
He said he wanna leave me to release me the freedom but he's not willing..
Since he cares me, and likes me..
But what about a baby?
No, he said that's impossible unless..
And he stopped. What a shit?

No, they are not, but I am the stupidest in the world..
Who can be trusted? No one but only me, myself...
How can I simply to forget it? How can??!

Something Wrong?

I have never been the worst situation as now..
I was wrong, at the first...
Opss, I am wrong..not "was"..
As the situation didn't change at all..

Seems like..my heart and my felling changed..a bit..?
I missed him last weekend, but not him, and him..
Orrhh.. God, what I'm thinking? What I'm doing?
What's wrong with me?

There must be something wrong..
Let me find it out..
Give me some times please..

Refreshment needed

Day by day, month by month...
The earth works without permission, and it is no need in fact..
We are still the same, or maybe better or worst?
I have no any idea actually.

Sometimes, we sweet like honey..
Sometimes, we far such as an ages..
I'm not really like the feel, but what's else?

Follow the instruction from the god,
Follow the way where just in front of me..
I have no idea to ask, and care about this such stupid things..
I'm tire, and I need a fresh air, from the earth...from the deep..
Refresh myself, my life.. my soul...

What I wish, A little cute girl... :)

I wish I must have a little boy long time ago..
Maybe i have a traditional and narrow minded on that time,
Or maybe effected by my family,
Guy is needed in a family, for the next generation.

Changed my mind recently..
I wish that I can have a little cute girl...with him,
But he is not really willing..and of cause worrying..
Considering how to give the girl/boy a healthy environment without dad ?
He is really rationality but am I really not?

Why him? Why not others who is around me?
Because I love him?
Not really, but a comfortable feeling around, when I with him..
As I told doctor..

I am/was sick..Maybe,
But I can't admit.. I'm happy, comfortable when with him,
If compare with another him.

I wish I have a little cute girl now,
No need him to carry my baby and I..
But my girl must be with me,
No matter how hard of the front way!

It'll be a suffer way to be a Single Mum,
And maybe it quite irresponsible for the girl/boy..
But I know, I will love him/her more than I think!

Pity Silly girl..

I always depress,
May be with the reason,
but sometimes without...

Yesterday I think i make my female senior unhappy,
But if you ask me, did i wrong?
No, I actually just asked the doubt on my mind,
And I am not really accept the reason and answer from her.

I tried to talk her today, but response as expected..
Haha... How come I always so stupid and make myself in an awkward situation?
I can't stop to laugh at myself,
I am a stupid fellow!

I am unhappy, and wondering the way..
To cheer myself up!

Buy me a coffee and some cookies?
Latte with skim milk and oatmeal raisin cookies please...

Haha..
See, I am doing stupid things again..
Who I expect he/she will do that?

My pity silly girl...

Stupid thing....

Stupid!!!
I did something wrong again...

I thought alcohol is a good excuse to allow me to do that,
I thought alcohol might give me a good explanation to forgive myself,
I thought.. I thought....

I shouldn't SMS him,
I shouldn't make the call,
I shouldn't tried to call again and again....

Stupid!
Alcohol is not an excuse and not an explanation..

Oh no,
I recorrect!
Alcohol is an excuse to let you cheat yourself,
Stupid!!!

I hate what I did,
I hate those stupid behavior,
I hate I am an idiot!

I hate myself..
With my stupid thinking..
I hate.. I hate.. :(

Crazying?

I lost again...
Where I know I shouldn't go..
I didn't thing of the consequence and go ahead,
Finally I lost the way,
Which is under expectation..

I miss him..
Who I suppose not to..
But i really miss him, quite often..
Especially when he is not around..
Finally I forget another him sometimes,
Who is always beside me.


Maybe one day,
I will madness..
Totally out of control,
Even my body, my mind, my soul..

Haha..
Am I deserved it?
God~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Life..Without you!

I am trying to get use to the life..
Without your voice, without your face..
Without everything about you or yourssssss..
Without you!

Step by step,
I think I almost get use to it..

But, you are still in my mind,
Since my mind not so keen to forget you..

She scare the life without you,
She hate the life without you.

But, I am trying,
Trying to pursue my mind,
Trying the life..
Without you!

Warming needed!

Cold weather..
I squeeze my fingers and my toes,
Trying to keep the body warm.

Had medicine just now,
But don't know why, my mood still down?
Doctor said this frequency will decrease and decrease..
I admit too, and I hope I can live happily without medicine as soon as possible.

I burnt my hand yesterday,
Still ache and shown red..
But the cold keeping disturb me

Hugging the hot bottle,
I hope i can get some warm from somebody,
Can I?

Helling

I dropped myself into hell again
While i back to Earth..

I thought It gonna to be stop soon,
But yet it turn over and remain the same.

I lied..
I despise myself
What the hell are you doing, my dear?
You know what will cause, right?

Oh dear..
Wake Up!!
I hope you know the way to wake up yourself one day..

Ending?

Is this an ending?
A good ending between us..

Wow..
It's sound good,
But why am I still sad?
Why I was crying?
Why insomnia last night?
Why am I annoying to move?

Maybe I just need time?
Yes, more time to get use to..
Maybe..

Nothing will be forever,
At least..
I failed to pursue myself to believe it, now ...

Spare

Body fat spared for energy..
Saving spared for emergency..
Tires spared for cars..

But am I ..
Just a spare, in your life?

Oh dear..I hope I'm not..
Please, tell me that..
I'm NOT!!

Waiting

Waiting..
I'm waiting..
But what I'm waiting for?

A call?A message?
A coffee? Or a cookie?

Either or neither,
But I'm waiting...
Waiting for Nothing..

Happying

Ya ya ya..
Knock knock knock..
I'm keeping to tell myself,
I'm Happy! I'm Happy! I'm Happy!

Doctor said,
The medicine can make me back to my way,
Experienced bro told me,
It can make become jovial and expansive.
I believe it!

Happy Happy Happy..
Treat me a coffee and I'll smile to you..
^_*

Alone Night..

Sleepy..
I slept about or more than 8 hours last night,
But tire still .

Had a hot drink,
To make my hand warm, and my body as well.

Tonight, i am going alone again.
I get use to it,
But today..
i hope someone can accompany me,
To have a nice dinner,
Anyone?

Eat ? or Sleep?
Either one, or Neither one.

Disgusting

Again, my heart beat faster,
I went to a corner..
inhale..exhale..
inhale..exhale..

breath, breath, breath,
doctor asked me to remind myself,
breath breath breath...
Yes, doctor asked me to remind,
Funny?
Think maybe i always forgot to do so?

Listening music while jogging,
exhausting all "unwanted" energy after work.

Arrrrh.. medicine again..
Disgusting, when i step in my room and see those medicine..
Yiak, i wanna vomit,
But what I can do?

Can I stop it, doctor?
Can my health be back?
Or the easiest way, can you stop my breath?

Loosing

I'm down again..
Yeah...Again...

Because not getting his call?
Because not getting his news?
Because not getting the desire from him?

Undoubtedly, I'm disappointed,
Is a kind of feeling that I'm not willing to have,
And the feeling I never expect, neither suppose not to have!

The relationship is irregular,
Yes, both of us knew..
But who make it happened?
What make it happened?

Oh god, guide me a direction please..
I'm not willing to preserve..
But, who gonna to help me..
To control my mind,
To control my soul?

I have out of control....

Suffocation

"The only thing I can do is..be a responsible guy.."

Be a responsible guy?
What does he means? Towards her or me?

Ya, I should know..
From his blog, from not getting his call...
I should know, right?

The sickness still disturbing me,
Without any reason..without any efficient medicine...

Urgh...What am i doing now?
Stupid!
Yes, I'm.. Stupid!

A sucks felling and atmosphere around me..
Get away! Please. Get. Away!!

Oh my god....
I am gonna to suffocate..
My heart is beating fast again..
My hands are trembling again..
My body is shuddering again...

Oh god..Help!! Help!!

Give me fresh air..
Let me breath smoothly...
Save me, please!

Depressing..

Depressing..
Yeah, I am depressing ..
But why?？

Have a bad feeling now..
You know, is a kind of feeling which i am unable to express ..unable to describe..
I can only do nothing, with the unwell feeling...

But...Why???